As this first image shows....there is a big sign alerting of a change ahead. We don't always get an alert that things are about to change. If we had an alert, would it make it any better? Would we stress more knowing WHICH change was coming? Change is inevitable. Sometimes it happens slowly over time, other times, it happens big time and overnight. Is it better if there is much stress before in the anxiety of knowing that something big is going to happen and then less stress, maybe almost relief that it finally happened or is it better to be just living your life with all your schedules and routine and then BAM, it happens and you must adjust and accept. I don't know which is better....but I do know that we don't get a choice in the matter.
8 months ago I ran a marathon with my brother and my husband. I have not run since. It's not because I had a bad experience, it's not because I am burned out from running, it's not that I found something else that fulfills me and de-stresses me, it's because I am injured. I didnt' even realize it until the next day when I was walking to catch my bus to get to work, which I missed because I couldn't walk fast enough. Since then, most doctors I have visited say, "wow, this is a challenge" or "um, quite a puzzle" or "I'm not sure what to do next." So, pretty much, I am not counting on getting back to my running world again anytime soon and it has taken me a long time to find peace with that. And I still struggle. I struggle because not only can I not run, but I can't ride a bike, walk uphill, walk fast, or do much without pain and discomfort. Although, it is getting better.
As I once said on a long long run with a good friend, "running is not my whole life
but it sure makes my life whole." That being said, I have enough emotional intelligence to know that because I can't run, doesn't means it's the end of my world, but it does mean many other things.
Now that I don't run I can see more gratefully the things it has done for me. It has provided me with a bonding experience with my dog, a way to relieve stress, a way to experience moving meditation, created a bonding experience with like minded people, a way to challenge myself physically and mentally, an activity to do with my husband, a way to motivate/inspire and be motivated/inspired and a part of my identity. These past few months I have struggled to find something to replace it. I miss it. I long for it. Without it I am forced to find other ways to manage stress and other ways to get out my "yah'yah's" and I have had to be just a little closer to looking myself in the mirror and asking myself....Am I happy in my life? Am I on the track I want to be on? What do I really want to do? When a part of your identity is missing, it's hard to replace, it's hard to look at the hole there and not feel empty. Being injured is more than not being able to run, it represents much more.
My baby boy, Struth, who initially got me into running and for whom I names this blog, is 11 going on 12. I had hoped to do short runs with him on the trails in the fall of 2014 to just be with him and get back to our "roots." For quite some time it was painful to just walk with him, but we walk. We go for long walks and this is nice. I was very stressed out when he had to have emergency dental surgery and what did I do to cope with the stress? Well I sat in fear that something bad would happen instead of clearing my mind on a run.
|Struth after dental surgery|
|Struth feeling better|
|Ella worried about Struth|
|Kettle-bells are also very colorful and they match my shoes|
|My parents....love them!|
|My mom is a riot!|
Owen and I went hiking with the dogs, which I think I might be able to continue with a couple more weeks of rehab.
Although I didn't see this coming and felt very angry about it, there has been some good things that have come out of having this time to find ways to fill the gap and grieve the loss. Did I mention that we bought a house! That was stressful....and exciting....and I am so happy we were able to do it!
|In the new backyard!|